


Savior

by BurntGayPotato



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Depression, F/F, Lesbian Character, Marliza, Minor Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Minor Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette/Hercules Mulligan, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-25 14:53:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18576754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurntGayPotato/pseuds/BurntGayPotato
Summary: I’ve had my fair share of bad decisions. I’ve dated Alexander because I wanted to make Eliza jealous, even though I’m lesbian.I’ve also had my fair share of horror. I’ve been in abusive relationships with men before and only barely escaped thanks to Aaron.My name is Maria Reynolds. This is the story of how I started dating Elizabeth Schuyler and how she saved my life.





	1. Chapter 1

I’ve had my fair share of bad decisions. I’ve dated Alexander because I wanted to make Eliza jealous, even though I’m lesbian. 

I’ve also had my fair share of horror. I’ve been in abusive relationships with men before and only barely escaped thanks to Aaron.

My name is Maria Reynolds. This is the story of how I started dating Elizabeth Schuyler and how she saved my life.

_____________

Every day I walk to school from my house, backpack slung over my shoulders, earbuds in, and Panic at the Disco blaring through said earbuds. John says I’ll go deaf one day from all this but I never really cared about my well being. 

One day, as I was loading my textbooks into my crimson backpack, a harsh realization crashed down on me from out of nowhere. I dropped my book as I realized that Elizabeth Schuyler, the one girl I have ever really loved, really doesn’t love me back.

Why, you might ask, did I realize this whilst putting my pre-calculus book into my bag? The answer, I don't know. I do know one thing though. That realization could’ve literally ended me. 

Anyways, I stuffed my books into my bag and threw it over my shoulders without bothering to zip it up. When I shoved my earbuds in and pushed play on my phone, I clicked the wrong playlist and I’m So Sorry by Imagine Dragons came on instead of Panic. It was fitting enough to boost my mood that I didn't even bother to turn it off. The chorus began and I assumed my usual badass posture, and strode across the sidewalk to the school.

I hold my head a little higher and squeeze my eyes shut. I suck in my breath when I collide headfirst into a light blue blur. My earbuds pop out as I fall to the ground. My textbooks spill out of my unzipped pack and I quickly stand up, backpack sliding off my shoulders. I’m ready to scream my throat raw at whoever slammed into me, but instead deflate slightly. Eliza. I had just rammed into Eliza. Well, shit. Thanks, world.

“Oh my god! Maria are you okay?” Eliza bends over to pick up my fallen books and pack, silky locks of hair falling in a frame around her perfect pale face. “I’m so sorry! I really need to watch where I’m going, I just have so many things flying around in my head right now. I mean, that’s no excuse but you deserve an explanation.” she babbles handing me my pack full now full of my books and shooting me a smile that makes her eyes shine, and my heart speed up a great deal.

I take the backpack from her, our hands touching for a just moment. 

“I- thanks. Thanks for the help, Eliza.” I try for a smooth, cool tone but I think it came out more like a timid squeak. Eliza doesn't seem to notice this slip up however, and merely comments,

“No problem! What are friends for?” she winks at me, waves, and then she’s gone. What are friends for. That was it. Eliza just thought of me as a friend. A friend like John, or Laf or Aaron. If I was depressed before, I was even more now. Little did I know that just a bit of depression returning could be and would be catastrophic. 

I go through my classes like a robot on autopilot. I don't raise my hand for anything (not like I did in the first place), I only speak when once when Peggy greets me in the hallway. It’s impossible to ignore one of your best friends, especially when it’s Peggy. Come to think of it, it's impossible to ignore Peggy herself. She’s talkative and will bother you until you tell her why you won’t talk to her if need be.

By the end of the day, I’m feeling so upset that John comes over to my locker and starts questioning me.

“I just don’t get it Maria! You’re acting so depressed, you didn’t even remember to meet Laf and I at the coffee shop at lunch. You never forget that! I mean we aren’t upset, it's just coffee, but we are worried.” The freckled boy blows a strand of curly hair out of his face and looks at me with a new level of concern. 

“Wait- Maria are you… turning grey? Or have I just been staring at Alex for too long? He’s basically the sun to me so that would make sense.” I look down at my hand. My usual brown complexion does seem to be turning a bit off color. I’ve got the perfect explanation for this though.

“I’m just feeling a bit… off color… today.” I mutter wincing at my all too fitting analogy. “Pun not intended.”

John nods. “Okay, just let me know if there’s anything I can do. You can tell me things Maria, I’ve got your back.” he grins and adds, “Besides, I owe you for helping me ask Alex out.”

That night I can’t sleep. I toss and turn. What are friends for? Eliza’s words play on a loop in my head until I just can't take the pain anymore. I go to the bathroom and stare my messy reflection in the mirror. My old red tank top is slipping off my right shoulder and my hair looks like I just rolled around in my bed for 5 hours, which I suppose I just did. I barely notice that my hair, skin and eyes are losing their brown pigment and are greyer than earlier.

I look at my tear-streaked face and make a final decision. I need to distract myself with something else, and what better to distract me from my pain than a more severe pain. I rummage through my cupboards looking for a new razor. I rip open the plastic packaging around the blade and toss it to the ground. Placing the blade at the base of my wrist I use it to make short slashes across my greying skin, crimson blossoming all over my arm. The pain numbs my thought process and Eliza’s voice stops echoing through my mind. All I can hear is a faint voice telling me to stop, but I don’t listen. I need to do this. To feel this. 

I rinse the blade in the sink until all traces of red are gone, toss it into the corner, and head to my bedroom. The thin cuts have stopped bleeding and are merely stinging unpleasantly. I fall asleep after this however, and I wake only hours later, not prepared in the slightest for the events that come next.


	2. Chapter 2

The next few days fly by in a similar pattern minus running into Eliza in the morning, in fact I don't see her at all. Despite it being a sunny week I wear long sleeves to hide the fresh cuts that I'm making nearly every day. By Friday I'm a whole shade more grey than I was on Monday. It's not too noticeable if you aren't taking art classes and love colors. Of course, John is taking said classes and is literally an art addict. A damn good artist at that.

“Seriously Maria, I’ve been scrounging the internet for ‘turning grey’, and well… I didn't find much logically but the most likely thing I found was a couple of fanfics that starred people turning grey as their depression increased and-” John ranted until Alex interrupted him with,

“JOHN, calm down! I'm the one who talks too much here and I'm not retiring my title. Maria, if John’s rant is accurate, you’ve gotta talk to us. Depression is a bitch and you can't face it alone.” John looks slightly surprised that Alex agrees with the far-fetched fanfic based theory but I can't help but realize that this theory is the missing puzzle piece to my skin change. Of course, I don't tell them this. It's all fine, and I’ll get over Eliza soon enough and won't have to cut my arms to distract from my thoughts.

I manage to convince Alexander that I'm okay and that the fanfics are called fics for a reason. They’re nothing but fictional. However, at the end of the day when I was at my locker listening to This is Gospel, John yanked out my earbuds and looked at me suspiciously.

“Roll up your sleeves Maria.” he hisses. If I didn't know better I would’ve obeyed without a question. I've never associated John with anger, or any negativity for that matter and he could sure as hell sound convincing when he wanted to. John was the kind of kid who wore soft turtleneck sweaters and hugged you when you felt sad. He never disrespected anyone or put his feelings before anyone else’s as far as I had seen.

“John, what’s up?” I say calmly, ignoring his command.

“Don't play dumb with me right now Maria, the only reason you wouldn't roll up your sleeves is if you were hiding something. Now, sleeves up.” John growled narrowing his calf brown eyes and flipping his hair over his shoulder. I roll my maroon sleeves up, revealing thin cuts on my skin. 

“I KNEW IT!! YOU’RE DEPRESSED AND THAT’S WHY YOU’RE GRAY!!” He screeched, all traces of assertiveness gone from his face, and replaced with it’s normal energy and concern. “Maria, I've gotten a fictional disease before, you can't hide shit like this from me!!” I had forgotten about that… before Alex and Eliza broke up John had this thing called… Hanukahi? No, Hanahaki. He was coughing up these light pink lilies that were often times stained with blood. I'm pretty sure only Peggy and I know about that though.

“Okay, okay, but I'm fine John. I've got this shitshow under control it's not like I'm gonna kill myself or anything. I just need to distract myself.” I say soothingly. Of course, that doesn't really convince him, and he makes me swear on the River Styx- whatever that is -that I will tell him if things get bad again. So I do, and I head out the door thinking about the shitty weekend I’m gonna have. I can't stay home all weekend or my thought will get worse and my brain will be flooded with ‘What are friends for?’. 

John video calls me at 10pm on Saturday to check in. He tells me to show him my arms so he can make sure I didn't cut again. What I don't say is that this time I made the cuts on my upper ankle. Not the most efficient for causing a distraction pain but it's good enough. We chat for a few hours before John basically falls asleep at his computer and I tell him he’s gotta hang up and go to sleep.

Sunday is the worst. Eliza texted me early in the morning and delivered news that she’s come out to her parents as pansexual but her father won't talk to her. Her sisters knew of course, but she didn't know who else to go to because I was her only female friend who has experience with homophobia. I reply to her that she needs to give her dad time to think it over and stick to her sisters and the people who support her. Then I lay on my bed and think about how badly I want to go to Eliza’s house and kiss her. But I can't. I'm just her friend and that's all I’ll ever be. 

I think about the lie I told John. How I told him it wasn't like I would kill myself. I couldn't stand this pain and I was really considering just ending this shit. The only thing that kept me going was Eliza’s messages to me about how her dad was still talking very little around her and never to her. The days start passing in a blur and the only people I talk to are Peggy, Alex and John otherwise things could get ugly.

On Wednesday however, Eliza approaches me. That's when everything falls apart.


	3. Chapter 3

My skin, hair and eyes are grey as concrete. I’m ending it. I'm taking out various pills from the medicine cabinet and pouring a glass of water when I hear a soft knock on my door. I ignore it because it's probably just a package or some shit. Then I hear muffled voices through the door.

 

“Your knock is weak Eliza. If you want someone to open the door you gotta knock like this.” Another knock, this one much louder, echoed through the room.

 

“It’s not my fault! Plus she won't even open the door! I told you she’s a danger to herself right now Laf.” Eliza’s voice says.

 

I'm just a nuisance that needs rescuing right now. That much is clear to me. Laf and Eliza are practically breaking down the door but I won't let up. I'm not worth their troubles. Suddenly my phone is exploding with messages

 

**Herc: Yo, Maria, Laf says you won't open the door are you awake?**

**Alex: Maria, Eliza and Laf are trying to get in. Let them in, your scaring Eliza.**

**Laf: MARIA OPEN THE DOOR I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE ELIZA’S CRYING**

**John: MARIA REYNOLDS OPEN YOUR DOOR I'M COMING OVER TO JOIN LAF AND ELIZA**

**Peggy: Maria what’s going on?? Eliza’s texting everyone to come over because you won't open the door!**

**Aaron: Maria are you okay? Has James cornered you again??**

**Angelica: Miss Maria Reynolds open your fucking door.**

**John: The WHOLE GANG is at your door and Eliza is sobbing what the hell Reynolds?!?!?!?!**

 

However the message that makes me hesitate, is the one that saves my life.

 

Eliza: Maria! Open the door please! Maria open the door! I love you Maria and I don't want you harmed! Open the door before something awful happens to you!

 

That makes me hesitate, because she said she loved me. She didn't mention ‘friend’ in the message, or anything about the love being platonic. It was pathetic of me but I became hopeful for one moment and I saw a tiny bit of color return to my grey complexion. In that moment of hesitation, John breaks down my door with his foot, and damn does he look scary. His hair is loose at his shoulders and he’s surrounded by Peggy, Laf, Herc, Aaron, Alex, Angelica and  _ Eliza. _

 

Eliza has tears streaming down her face but as soon as she sees the pills and water she dashes through the door, pushing John and Alex out of the way. She tackles me knocking the water and pills out of my hands and her lips lock on to mine. I can feel the warmth flooding through my body and the color returning to my skin at a rapid pace. Eliza pulls away but keeps me wrapped in her arms. Normally, I’d pull away but I welcome the embrace this time around.

 

“I thought you were  _ dead _ .” she whispers in my ear. “I couldn't bear the feeling of losing you without saying how much you mean to me. It's sudden I know, but I love you Maria.” I can't believe it. 

 

“I love you too but… as more than a friend.” I murmur. 

 

Eliza gives me a watery laugh. “I love you as more than a friend too! That's what I'm trying to tell you!” I cling tighter to her and she clings tighter to me. I hear a cough at the door and we pull back, remembering that all of our friends were still at the door. Dust was floating around from the door that John kicked down, and everyone had was wearing an awkward expression except John who whispered something excitedly to Alex. From what I can tell it was something like OTD or OTP. 

 

“Well I’m pretty sure we’re all skipping school today,” Herc starts. “So, how about we all catch up on what’s been happening.”

 

We fill each other in on the events of the past two weeks for the rest of the day and the whole time, Eliza was holding my hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELp  
> that was my first Marliza hope you enjoyed. It's off of a writing prompt in which the character's depression increases until they are suicidal and they become greyer and greyer as the depression increases. then their crush notices and helps them.  
> Did anybody catch the subtle Heathers reference? I'll give you a hint, it's from the song Meant to be Yours.


End file.
